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Target: Mysterious Land of Mystery

We stopped by Target last night (for cat food, toilet paper, and Cheetos, of course) and decided to get started on our Super Official Baby Gift Registry. Registering for gifts is weird. Having been to 387 weddings (give or take) in the past five years, we know that registries are a godsend to gift-giving friends—it removes that pesky guess work everyone seems to hate. But being on the other end of the scanner gun is a different story. With our wedding registry, it just felt odd and presumptuous. It’s like giving someone your Christmas list without being asked for it. But this baby registering is different. Instead of asking ourselves, “Do we need a 50-piece set of titanium steak knives?” or “Will this giant chair in the shape of high-heeled shoe look out of place in the living room?” we were asking ourselves, “What kind of baby bottle minimizes baby puke?” and “Will this brand of stroller fall apart on a walk to the park and permanently cripple our child?” Basically, we have almost no idea what to register for. All this baby gear is a mystery.

We got started with the basics. Or at least, what we think are the basics. Every time we scanned something, we hesitated for a moment, wondering if our child-having friends and family would read our list and snicker at us—shaking their heads and muttering “amateurs” under their breath. The only item we scanned without hesitation (because it was totally obvious we needed it) was a 68-inch plasma screen television.

Anyway, if you guys can think of any supplies, clothing, furniture, and/or toys that we simply can’t live without, please leave a comment and let us know—it would really help us out. You can look over our current registry right here.

Thanks!

Bump In The Night

Wow! I actually saw the baby move last night. Shannon told me to look at her belly, so I did, and... wow. The baby kicked hard enough to be seen through Shannon’s abdomen and two layers of clothing. Also, I had my hand near the area of impact, so I felt it, too. Seriously, I yelled Holy Shit! And then I yelled, Oops. I mean, ‘Way to go, Baby Paulus!’

Hey, thanks for all the great advice in the “Tips” post below. Please keep adding to it—we can’t get enough!

-Mike

Tips, Please!

So Mike and I spent most of last week in Myrtle Beach, SC. We were representing his company at a Speech and Hearing convention. (More about that later.) We flew back into the cities on Saturday, took a nap at my parents’ house, and woke to find their house full of all their friends. Mike and I wandered downstairs in a “just woke up” haze, and walked right past the baby shower decorations hanging from the walls without even noticing them. Everyone had gathered to give us a surprise baby shower! It was so nice—my parents’ friends all chipped in and got us an awesome car seat, which was a big relief. Now, we have one less major expense, and we don’t have to muddle through the millions of car seats available in order to figure out which one we should get. Whew!

At one point in the evening, everyone started sharing their tried and true tips for calming a crying baby. I remember thinking, “I wish I had a pen and paper to write all this down,” which gave me an idea. Mike and I are very aware that we have absolutely no idea what we are doing, as far as being parents goes. I mean, I did a TON of babysitting when I was growing up, as well as a bit in college, but when you’re babysitting you can give the kids back. When you’re a parent, they’re yours—no backsies—and no one to default to. I don’t know about you, but when I really think about it, that scares the crap out of me. So, I thought I’d open the Comments section on this post to advice and tips from any veteran parents who read this. How did you calm your crying babies? How do you get a kid to eat vegetables? How do Mike and I keep things in perspective when we start to feel overwhelmed? When, exactly, will I ever be able to shower?

Please, leave as many comments as you like, we appreciate them all (and there’s unlimited space)! Thank you in advance for sharing your knowledge!

P.S.To leave a comment, click 'Comments' (right below), and type into the boxes.

We’re Getting A Go-Kart!

Hi everybody! Mike, here. In the March issue of Volume One, my Rear End column is about being an expectant dad. It’s called “I’m Getting A Go-Kart!” In case you don’t get the magazine, here it be: 

I’ve been holding out on you. I’ve been trying to find the perfect way of saying what I have to say. An elegant way. A clever way. A jocose way. (Look it up.) I’ve been hunting for a string of words befitting the significance of my situation, and here it is: my wife is pregnant and a little baby is inside her tummy so I’m gonna be a daddy and yes I know exactly how excruciatingly uncool it is to refer to oneself as a “daddy” but it’s my life and you can stick it between your butt cheeks if you don’t like it.

How’d I do?

This June, if everything happens the way our doctor, our four midwives, our mothers, an online newsletter, and about 35 books as thick as your wrist say it will, I am going to be a father. Please stop laughing. I don’t need to be any more freaked out than I already am.

If you’ll allow me to clarify—and I assume you will—I’m not “freaked out” in the normal, wide-eyed, white-knuckled, Holy Christ On A Bike kind of way. My freak-outs arrive in small, yet powerful jabs of comprehension. It’s like having someone sneak up behind you and pinch the back of your arm. Hard. With rusty pliers. Most of the time, I’m feeling quite calm, and I’m simply delighted to be having a child. Then, while I’m knocking back a tall glass of tasty fruit punch—surprise! A crimson drizzle bursts from my lips, and I’m left with a haunting premonition of being very, very tired. And poor.